These Scars I Hide
by cold-alaska-chick
Summary: Set a little while after Edward returns in New Moon. Bella didn't respect Edward's wish that she not hurt herself. How will he react when he finds out? Build up to Lemon in next chapter. Mature themes, be forewarned. Please R&R, this is my first FanFic.


Fan Fiction: Twilight

AN: This is a story that took me a year and a half of on and off writing to finally get to a point where I decided to put it online. I do plan to wite the next chapter much faster, if the story is well liked. Would love to hear any comments, flames or love, all are appreciated. Thanks and Enjoy my 1st fic!

Disclaimer: of course I do not own Twilight or any of it's characters, would I be _writing_ about Edward's love life if i owned him? No. I would be..... well you get the idea

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**"The greatest discoveries have come from people who have looked at a standard situation and seen it differently." -- Ira Erwin**

My closet doors were wide open; I stood there, staring, unable to make a decision. Choosing an outfit for school was becoming increasingly difficult now that Edward was back. It wasn't because I wanted to look my best now that Edward was back; it was that I only wore long-sleeved shirts now and I didn't own all that many. His all too observing eyes would notice this eventually, but it was because of this special talent I had switched to wearing them in the first place. He would undoubtedly see what I was trying to hide if I pushed my sleeves up past my wrists. No subtle makeup tricks would fool his perfect vision, and I didn't want to risk trying.

Now, staring at the pale skin of my forearms, I could easily distinguish the many scars criss-crossing my skin. Their path told by newer paler flesh making indistinct patterns over my skin. I was used to having scars on my body, it was a testament to just how accident-prone I was, but these were different. They were of my own deliberate action, to seek refuge in a rational pain that I was in control of. What I once sought relief in, I was now ashamed of. I was always afraid of slipping up and risk having Edward discover my secret. I didn't want him to know that his leaving had led me to hurt myself, but worse than that…that I had taken pleasure from it, not a true happy kind of feeling, but a sense of calm and peace.

My dilemma had but one solution…a shopping trip with Alice to re-supply my wardrobe. Not something to look forward to, but it would put my mind at ease, and allow Alice to go overboard on something I actually need. She always enjoys shopping for me way more than I do. The immediate solution was to pick a shirt from my closet fast to get ready for school, which, thanks to my personal introspection, I was now a bit behind schedule. Brown long-sleeve T-shirt it is. Rushed now, I pulled it over my head while slipping into a pair of worn sneakers. That accomplished, I bounded down the stairs fully dressed with backpack in tow. Edward, as usual, was waiting at the bottom; his gaze immediately took in my appearance and hurried motion. My brain had to reassure me that he couldn't see anything out of place and that I was just panicking. Which he could hear, no doubt, thanks to my traitorous increase in pulse, but hopefully he would assume it was just reacting to seeing him. His arms looped around my waist when I got to the end of the stairs, bringing me close to his cold body. His lips met mine for the briefest of seconds, but I felt their cold touch radiate though my body long after he pulled away.

At this point, the most repetitive part of my days began – _school._ I could practically write a step-by-step guide of my day with instructions to repeat five times a week. The only part that ever deviated from this mind-numbing schedule was lunch. Since I could eat with Edward and Alice, my lunch period was always entertaining. Thankfully, today was Friday, so that meant homework could be post-poned and I could spend the entire night at Edward's (though Charlie thought I was having a girls night with Alice). I would be spending all of my afternoon and night just enjoying Edward's company…and probably some of his family's.

The bell finally released me to break the viscous cycle of school and enjoy my weekend. It wasn't all that long ago I had dreaded the time to myself, away from the dullness that could fill my mind so I couldn't think of… other things. Filled with enthusiasm, I rushed to get out the door. Edward was already waiting outside my door, having used his superior speed to race out of his class and get to mine. We walked out to the awaiting car in companionable silence. He drove at his usual break-neck speed out of the parking lot and to his house. We didn't talk much on the way there; I spent my time wondering about his silence. What I would give to hear his thoughts at moments like this.

Upon entering the house, I found it shockingly empty; no one seemed to be home but us. I turned to Edward about to ask, but he seemed to guess my question and said, "I asked everyone to let us have the house to ourselves tonight so they all found something to occupy them for the evening." My mind was instantly thinking of why we would need the house all to ourselves…. unless…Edward planned to…. No, that couldn't be it; he had ridiculous moral standards that he would never compromise while I was still "fragile". So, what could he want the house empty for? My mind could only come up with one probable solution. He just wanted the privacy from all too well of hearing vampires, so we could talk without being overheard.

Still I had to ask, "So what do you have in mind for the evening?"

He answered simply, "Whatever your heart desires."

If he knew what I presently desired, he wouldn't have made such an open statement. But, I knew _that_ wasn't going to happen even if I voiced it. So, I made an acceptable suggestion.

"Can we go to your room and just listen to some music or something?"

"Of course."

We ascended the stairs at my slow human pace and I made my way down the familiar hallway to Edward's room. When I opened the door, I paused, thinking I must've opened the wrong door. I recognized all of Edward's music and sound equipment pushed up against the wall; it was the enormous bed in the center of the room that gave me pause.

"When did you get a bed that you'll never need to make use of?"

He sighed then said, "I might not _need _to make use of it, but I thought it would be more comfortable than my couch for you to sleep on. Also, it makes it easier for me to hold you while you sleep; the couch is not very wide. To answer your original question, I got it yesterday."

"Oh…it's very nice," I concluded lamely.

I stepped forward, removing my shoes as I approached the bed. Edward went to his stereo and put on some light instrumental music. I flopped onto the bed to test its comfy-ness…he was right -of course- it was much more comfortable than his couch, and way roomier. I came to a sitting position in the middle of the bed waiting for Edward to join me. He knelt onto the bed and moved gracefully to my side. I leaned into his cool embrace, loving the way his hard body contoured to my shape. The rich smell radiating from his body overtook my senses. He began leisurely stoking my back, his cold touch sending sensations through my body even through my shirt. The soft music and Edward's calming touch acted like a drug on my brain, lulling me into sleep despite the early hour.

I woke to the feeling of Edward's cool fingers tracing patterns across the bare skin of my inner arm. Instant realization shook the sleepiness out of my brain, and I jerked away from his touch. I hurriedly grabbed at my sleeves to pull them down past my wrists. Edward's hands grabbed mine to stop their movements. I tried to pull away, but it did no good, of course, his grip was unbreakable. The best I could manage was to turn my head away so my eyes would not be subject to his piercing gaze.

"Let me go, Edward!"

"Bella, show me your arms."

"NO! Just let me go! LET ME GO!"

He transferred both of my hands into a one-handed grip. He used his now free hand to grab the edge of my sleeve. "Edward please don't…" He pulled my shirt up to the crease of my elbow. I glanced down to see the damage he was looking at, and tried to somehow shrink into myself. He stared at my arm in silence, after a brief moment, he repeated the process of lifting the other sleeve. The white marks, some still pink with healing, stood out on my pallid flesh like neon signs, telling of my darkest moments. I was already crying when I chanced a glance at Edward's face hoping to discern his thoughts.

I noticed the look in his eyes first, they were open wide with shock, but there was a sadness about them too that was indescribable. His mouth was parted slightly; betraying his shock at what he now knew I had done. He traced the fine lines with his fingertips as if committing them to memory. He abruptly let go of my arms and held my face between his hands, directing my gaze to meet his. I stood there, helpless to look away from his eyes piercing mine with a look of betrayal. I started crying harder, tears leaking down my cheeks, to run over Edward's hands, and fall between us to the floor.

Edward broke the silence by asking, "Why?! Bella, why would you hurt yourself like this?" I couldn't speak, I couldn't breathe properly, sobs were coming too hard out of my body. His patience was forgotten, he asked again and again, "Why Bella? Why would you do this? How long? How could you do it?" His questions surrounded me, I couldn't think, I was frozen, unable to speak, to answer what he needed to know. I must have stopped breathing altogether because I felt my vision go blurry and I woke to Edward's eyes staring straight into mine with a look of worry, mixed with panic. I was on the bed… Edward must have put me there. "Bella, Are you alright?" I knew he was asking about my fainting episode, but somehow the question seemed to have greater significance now that everything was out in the open. "Yes, Edward, I just fainted from not breathing." He nodded at my statement, acknowledging it, but his mind was focused on something else, his eyes were distant in their gaze.

I didn't move, or speak, just breathed in and out as quietly as possible, hoping to not attract attention back to me and what I had done. Just then, he looked at me, really looked at me, staring into my eyes. "Bella, please, tell me what happened. Why did you cut yourself?" So much for not attracting his attention, I now had his full and undivided attention. His gaze started to "dazzle" me with its intensity. Words found their way from my brain and out of my mouth in a rush. I couldn't stop myself from telling him everything – the hurt, the desperation of him leaving, controlling the pain, letting it all out as I would cut. He didn't interrupt, if he had, I might have found a way to stop talking, break the connection between our eyes, _something_.

When I finally stopped talking, everything having been said, I wished I hadn't said a word. I wished I had not fallen asleep; to wake to Edward's caress. I wished I had never cut myself to begin with. Because I saw the change in his eyes. He looked at me with a sense of loss, as if I was no longer whole. _As if he no longer wanted me, _my mind said. No, Edward loves me. He came back for me. He will always want me. I repeated this mantra to the insecurities that tend to dominate my brain. Still he was staring at me with that look. I couldn't take it any longer. I needed him to see me for me again. Not like Damaged Bella.

I leaned into him, my lips seeking his. At first, it was very restrained; I was essentially doing all the work. Something changed halfway through; his lips became more demanding than his typical reserve. His hands found their way to my body; one cupped my cheek, and the other snaked around my waist. My hands tangled themselves in his hair, anchoring his face to mine. I knew that any moment he would break away, apologize for going "too far", and he would separate himself from me, both physically and mentally. But, that moment never came.

He started to kiss me harder, almost bruising my lips, but I didn't care, it felt so good, so right. He slid his tongue between my lips and into my mouth, the _taste_ was incredible and the sensation indescribable. My brain couldn't focus, it was on sensory overload. Somehow I must have kicked it into gear, because I finally started to try to remove some of the clothing between us. My hands slid their way across his cool, bare back, taking the fabric of his shirt in my hands, trying to pull it up and over his head. He moved his head long enough for me to accomplish my task, then came back to kissing me, not as rough, but still more than he normally would allow. His hands made light work of my shirt, cotton fabric not standing up to vampire strength. I only heard the ripping sound and then realized I was shirtless.

I felt self conscious already and I was only _sans_ _shirt,_ I didn't know how I was going to make it to the totally nude stage. Edward must have felt my blush; he paused in his actions, just to look into my eyes, as if asking permission to continue looking over my body. With a nod, I conceded. His gaze moved so slowly over my body, taking in every detail. He had never seen this part of me, at least not that I knew of. It seemed so foreign to him, gazing at my chest and torso. His fingers slid over my bra straps, tracing down around the edge of the cups. He looked into my eyes again and actually asked "Are you ready for this?" As much as I was shying from the idea as a matter of habit, I shakily answered, "yes".

Sensing my slight hesitation, he leaned in to kiss me again, soft, whisper kisses, meant to reassure me. It gave my brain time to catch up with my decision, that this was ok and in no way wrong between Edward and me. We loved each other. Having made up my mind to the idea that _this _was indeed happening, I bought my hands up to Edward's hair to pull him closer. Suddenly, I felt the cold trail of his hands as they glided across my back to unhook my bra. Then again as he slowly pulled the straps down and off my arms. He took in every detail about my semi-nude appearance, making me feel quite self conscience. I decided to even the playing field, hands grasping at the waist of his pants, trying to undo his zipper. Of course, my clumsiness kicked making me completely inept at undoing a simple zipper and button. I felt an extreme blush starting to crop up at my lack of expertise. Graciously, Edward stepped in, adding his hands to the mix, and removing his pants in one simple motion; too fast for me to catch he was standing by the bed with them on the floor. I decided to put my hands to work undoing my own jeans. I got them un-buttoned and un-zipped easy enough, but trying to get out them was a bit harder. I tried to shimmy them down my legs while still on my back, but I felt like such a dork that I scooted off the bed to take them off normally. I had gotten the pants pooled around my ankles and stepped out of them, when Edward caught my waist from behind. His thumbs hooked around the sides of my underwear, slowly tugging them down to join my jeans on the floor. Removing the last scrap of a barrier between our bodies, he turned me to face him.

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AN: Well, we're getting to the good part ;) . Sorry, I hate it when people do this to me too, but it had to stop somewhere, and I think the sex scene deserves its own chapter.

Anywho, tell me what ya think.

-Sam-Wise


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